MOST SENSUAL POSTER OF FEBRUARY 2013
Movie posters that don't try and bullshit the viewer should be celebrated. This movie is called Passion and features Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace engaging in some intense lesbian-a-tronic (not sure if that's a word) ecstasy. You definitely know what you're in for when you buy a ticket to this.
Throw in some ninja dinosaurs, time-traveling squirrels and a random Sean Connery cameo and you could potentially have an automatic 2014 Best Picture nominee. If Brian De Palma can pull this off, this could be one of the greatest movies ever made in the history of planet Earth. Wait? What? Noooo! It can't be! 14% Rotten Tomatoes rating? Wow, that really sucks.
BEST POSTER TO BOOST SALES OF DUCT TAPE
Am I insane in thinking this poster subtly suggests people to go out and slash people's faces so they can make a human jigsaw puzzle? Or maybe I've been watching too many horror movies? But I actually haven't watched one for a long time. Okay, it's settled. I'm delightfully deranged.
Yes, this is a real movie poster. Are you speechless?
BEST TAGLINE - RUNNER-UP
Knocked Up meets Ocean's Eleven? Brilliant. Count me in. If those dreadful-looking Kate Hudson and Katherine Heigl comedies had clever posters like -- maybe I'd actually watch them. Maybe.
BEST TAGLINE - WINNER
Whoever came up with this tagline deserves a promotion, a knighthood or some kind of everlasting way to immortalize their greatness. The next time you meet a fat person, just ask him/her: "Where do you see yourself in five years time?"
Allow him/her to reply then just casually say: "Big dreams...big seams."
BEST POSTER TO FEATURE MALE NIPPLES
I'm planning to watch this movie in the coming weeks. Why? Because it apparently features a scene where Nicole Kidman urinates on Zac Efron. It sounds like a terrible movie, but ask yourself this: What other movie let's you watch an Oscar winner (Nicole Kidman) pee on a former teen Disney star (Zac Efron)?
THE CREEPIEST POSTER OF FEBRUARY 2013
I really feel for the guy in the middle. It looks like he's about to have the nastiest, dirtiest and most traumatizing threesome of his life based on the downright creepy way his friends (or kidnappers) are looking at each other.
THE MOST UNSETTLING POSTER OF FEBRUARY 2013
The title -- No One Lives -- is perfectly apt because if humans are hiding people, inside other people, then sooner or later -- there won't be many people alive because we're all going to be struggling for air since everyone will be stuck inside someone.
THIS POSTER ALSO NEEDS TO BE PROOFREAD (SERIOUSLY...)
DREW: THE MAN BEHIND THE POSTER
Wow! Please tell me the typo on this poster was deliberate (If you can't find it, it's just below the 'fold' near the top right) because it was designed by the son of Drew Struzan. Who's Drew Struzan you ask? He's the legendary man who designed movie posters for films like Back to the Future, Blade Runner, Star Wars and many more.
Apart from the glaring typo, the poster doesn't showcase the iconic style of Drew Struzan in any way, which is a real shame. Instead, the poster looks like a documentary about a new-age cult leader. It's bizarre!
BEST POSTER TO SEND MORE TEACHERS TO JAIL
ATTENTION teachers: It's definitely wrong to sleep with your students.
ATTENTION students: It's definitely okay to sleep with your hot teacher.
I don't want to sound too crass, but most horny teenage boys would absolutely love it if their teacher slept with them -- a teenage fantasy fulfilled. But it's the teacher's responsibility to keep everything in check and not traumatize young, innocent minds. So teachers: just quit it already! Stop the seduction! (Stop the Seduction -- a great title for an erotic novel)
BEST POSTER THAT BELONGS IN AN ART GALLERY
In saying that, I'd love to hang this Blue Caprice poster on my wall. Seriously, can someone get me one? Oh...wait. Hang on. I just found out this movie is based on the Beltway sniper attacks that occurred in 2002. In that case, I don't want the poster anymore -- too grisly. But it must be said -- it's a nice-looking poster.
BEST HUNGER GAMES POSTER OF FEBRUARY 2013
THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE
Wasn't a big fan of the first Hunger Games movie but I'm definitely looking forward to the next one because this is a lovely poster. Jennifer Lawrence is obviously the 'it' girl right now after winning an Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook.
And Josh Hutcherson? It seems he's still afraid to top his performance in Bridge To Terabithia (A devastating movie! I cried like a baby) as he continues to make earth-shattering films that will be remembered for generations to come: Red Dawn, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island and countless other timeless masterpieces.
BEST POSTER TO FEATURE A HOBBIT
I wonder if this movie starring Elijah Wood will possess the same homoerotic quality that permeated throughout that bed-orgy scene at the end of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then watch this: LOTR orgy
WORST POSTER - RUNNER-UP
LOVE AND HONOR
You know you have trouble marketing a movie when you have to resort to photo-shopping floating heads of your stars onto the poster. Is it a bad thing? Not really. A lot of movies do it.
If you have a bland movie title to begin with - Love and Honor -- and D-list actors like Liam Hemsworth (boyfriend of Miley Cyrus) and Teresa Palmer (star of The Grudge 2) -- it's only logical to come up with an equally bland and straight-to-DVD-looking poster.
WORST POSTER - WINNER
This movie was actually released back in 2009 but it's just been released in the US for whatever reason. The Movie Poster Gods are shitting their pants right now as they realize this is a real poster for a real movie. Just look at it -- Julianne Moore's head floating with a bunch of creepy-looking faces -- it's completely laughable. But that was the aim right? If so -- then mission accomplished. Bravo!
BEST POSTER - RUNNER-UP
Spring Breakers would've won the Best Poster honor again this month if it wasn't for the ingenious poster you'll see below. This new Spring Breakers poster is another clever, smart and marvelously designed marketing wonder. If you know nothing about the movie, you can easily gauge what kind of a ride you'll be in for just by looking at it. Sure, it might not catch your attention from afar, but up close -- it's a very effective poster.
BEST POSTER - WINNER
BIG ASS SPIDER
This is why movies are made. I don't care how awful this movie turns out to be -- just reading the title alone is already more enjoyable than 90% of the movies I've seen this year. And then you see the poster -- a giant spider wreaking havoc on a city skyscraper -- glorious, simply glorious!
To everyone involved in this movie: director, producers, actors, actresses, costume designers, etc...and everyone else -- you all deserve a Nobel Peace Prize (I'm not sure why exactly, but you deserve it anyway).
That's all for this month. Hope you enjoyed reading it and feel free to leave a comment. Thanks!
If you missed the January edition of this column, you can check it out here:
Note: All movie posters were sourced via IMP Awards
Feel free to follow me on Twitter here: @Tuan_Ho444
Until next time, something wonderful awaits!